Thoughts from someone who thinks about “this” daily

“This” as in race, inequity, dialogue, change, understanding and breaking narratives, social conflict, social change, and the sociological factors that impact each and everyone of us everyday. I don’t think about this ] because I am a better person than you, nor am I a better person because I do . I’ve built my career around this. And, so it’s my job to think about this everyday.

I am a dialogue facilitator and a Facilitation Training Manager for an organization that has been studying and developing a unique methodology for dialogues around inequity for 20 years. I’ve been working with them for 13 years now and I say this to build some credibility and trust between you as the reader and myself.

So, as someone who has made it her job to be always tuned into the social world around me, race relations in the U.S. and around the world is a topic that takes up much of my brain space daily. I don’t think it’s possible for me to live in the world around me without keeping the inequities of race relations at the forefront of my thinking.

For example, I was out for a run yesterday, and I saw a black man walking alone with groceries. For as long as he was visible on my path, I was wondering if he was scared to walk right now. I wanted to know if he was thinking about his safety as he was walking alone. I went into an entire imaginary dialogue with him in my head because I wanted to know what he was thinking about in regards to the current events. And then I saw an older white couple walk past me and I wondered if they noticed my dark brown skin and made any assumptions about me. Later that night I mentioned these internal conversations to my husband and he told me that’s why he fell in love with me. He said, “I love the way you think and the way you really feel the pain of inequity and race for others daily”. Ironically, moments later, my husband actually had the nerve to request that I take some time to keep my “sociology” and “race” comments undercover as we move into our new home in a new neighborhood. It might make all the white neighbors uncomfortable and we are trying to make friends. So I went to bed upset with him. I went to bed wondering if I have become explicitly uncomfortable to be around because I add a sociological lens or perspective into any conversation. I went to bed wondering if that was embarrassing for him as my partner. When this is your career, it’s your life. When it’s something you have declared your life to be studying and changing, it’s not a weekly trend. It’s a lifelong journey. From tailgates, to happy hours, to nightclubs, to grocery stores, to daycares, schools, playgrounds, offices, the metro, sociology is alive everyday. Whether you are white, black, or brown (insert other races), whether you are thinking about it or not, you are living an experience of race relations. Social forces are around us everyday. Once you start to pay attention to how much is actually out of our control as individuals because of the socialization we have been through, you start to see the world differently.

So how is this relevant to what’s happening in the United States currently? Here a few thoughts. And I am just going to have to number them because there’s no good transition between these thoughts, yet they are all connected. In my 13 years of studying dialogues around race and inequity, I have picked up a few patterns of thinking that are prevalent around race.

1. When I see memes or shared posts about “It’s 2020 and we are still protesting the same stuff”, I want to ask “What would give you the idea that just because it’s 2020, this stuff should magically disappear?” Just because the country has aged, does not mean it has become any wiser or changed the way the people in the country are socialized. Just because the liberal millennials of this country feel they are “progressive, tolerant, accepting” does not mean communities are doing different things in 2020. It’s 2020 and it’s still hard to talk about race. The same white liberals of this country went to college and 4 years later came out with mostly white friends and the wedding parties are proof. I am not saying there are no exceptions. Of course once in a while you see a black friend in a majorly white wedding party or vice versa. The problem is that it’s the exception. It’s not the norm. It’s not socially normal to create bonds of brotherhood or sisterhood outside your race. And I am not advocating that’s how it should be. I am just answering the question “Why is race still an issue in 2020?”. It’s not enough that liberals and white allies believe in ending racism. We have to socialize differently in order to bring to life what we imagine should be true about race relations in 2020. And if you are the white couple who had an all-white wedding party, I am not throwing you under the bus. I am trying to have you reckon with the idea that even though you believe in equal rights and ending racism, the reality of your socialization is an obstacle. And no, it’s not your fault. And I know you mean well and I believe you when you say “black lives matter”. We all have good intentions for “ending” racism. We just have not lived out these intentions as the norm. Mixed relationships and friendships are an exception. The same patterns of socialization exist now as they did decades ago. Communities are divided, most suburbs are white, Indians and Asians tend to build communities around each other, and birds of a feather flock together. It’s an age old saying and it’s just true for what is real.
2. In relation to the above thought, start asking “What’s my role in how race divides the world around me?” Focus on the world around you. I am sure you have heard this before and I cannot stress the importance of accepting that if you change and shift your actions to impact the world around you, you will create a ripple effect. If you are white, what has stopped you from creating real relationships with people of color? For my fellow South Asians, how do you expand your bubble? It’s much easier to condemn the larger broken system because it allows us to place blame on “them”. Not on you. Not on us. But them. Whoever they are or whoever built the system is wrong and when I like a status on facebook that mentions that, I am the good person and not a part of the problem. I keep seeing the quote go around “The system isn’t broken. It was built that way”. But friends, it was built with you and me. You and I are a part of it. Condemning the system and protesting is powerful and necessary. And then what? Putting a black block on instagram is a statement you are making.But then what? For anyone that posted a black block today on social media, did you talk about it with anyone? What next? Then we go back to socializing in divides and back to the real life that isn’t trending on instagram. Change can’t happen if your activism is only on instagram or twitter. Take it to the dinner table. Take it up with your friends. Allow for the conversations you are having on social media to exist in real time, face to face. Because until you start to change the patterns of socialization around you, condemning the system at large will never succeed.
3. This next thought is for parents and future parents. Do not raise your kids colorblind. While your intentions are rooted in equality and love, raising kids colorblind continues the same pattern of socialization that got us to asking “How is it 2020 and we are still protesting race?” We are a generation that was taught that racism is bad. We are a generation that was taught to see everyone as equals and that means we should not see color. This type of learning and socialization has to change for our kids so that in the future we are not asking “How is it 2050 and we are still protesting race?” My husband is white and I am Indian (South Asian) and nothing upsets me more than not being seen as brown. When he doesn’t see me as brown or his friends and family don’t see me as brown, it communicates to me that you have accepted me into your white bubble. It tells me that I am white enough to not be seen as brown. It’s not a compliment. It gives me chills in every part of my body that someone doesn’t see my color. It invalidates every lived experience of mine and gives me the illusion of acceptance. It’s a false reality of being accepted as one of them and not as me. And my husband knows better to never say that to me now after many dialogues together. Acknowledge color. Acknowledge differences. Accepting them blindly is why it’s 2020 and we are still protesting this shit.
4. Having been married to a white man has taught me a lot about white people in general. And no, that’s not why I married him. I fell in love with him because I didn’t see his color. (Just kidding. See what I did there?) Oh, I knew he was white and I knew how dark I was. For the longest time, I was insecure about my dark skin. I have been socialized my entire life to think white skin is better than dark skin. My mom wouldn’t want me playing in the sun so I didn’t get darker than I already was. Growing up, white skin was beautiful and pure. And it took a long time for me to believe that my skin was worthy of a white man’s love. What helped was how much his family liked my tan skin. Infact, his family and friends spend money to get a tan. It blew my mind because his people like my skin and my people like his skin and we are all giving too much attention to skin color. So if we all pay so much attention to skin color, why are we trying to live in a world where we don’t see color? One thing I have learned being married to a white man is white people really want to understand. But they don’t always know how to ask questions and are really afraid to offend. And this paradigm makes it feel like white people don’t have a stake in the race dialogue. White people are trying to figure out how to be allies to black people and people of color (POC). And in a race dialogue, white people end up in the position of needing explanation. Black people and POC end up in a position of having to explain. Black people are tired of explaining. White people are tired of not understanding. And it goes back to how we socialize or the lack of socialization together.
5. My final thought for now is this: don’t let current events be a trend for this week. I remember back in March when the country was learning to wash hands as covid-19 was fast spreading, and doctors and nurses everywhere were sharing “How are you learning to wash your hands now? You should be doing this everyday!” All my cousins and friends who are in the medical field were trying to find out why aren’t people washing hands everyday? This shouldn’t be a trend because of the pandemic. It should be the norm. The way in which restaurants are strict about cleanliness now and how we are feeling protective of germs now is what doctors and scientists hope we did often. Doing it only while the pandemic is real doesn’t address the future. We can’t forget to wash hands when the pandemic is over. We can’t simply get back to normal life or the way things were because pandemics are not going away. We can keep them at bay with lifestyle changes as a society. The same goes for current events around race. Mourning for Floyd and being upset with Amy Cooper simply cannot be a trend for now. In order for impact and change, we have to keep it alive.We have to keep talking about race relations and inequity as if it could save lives. This has to be potent enough that the topic of race is on the forefront of everyone’s mind. Changing how we socialize around trending conflicts and working hard to keep them alive is a real way to prevent the next Floyd. On social media you will find me mostly silent. Not because I don’t care. But like that doctor wondering why we are not washing hands all the time,I am wondering, why are we not this outraged all the time? Why are we not talking about race all the time if it matters so much? Why do we go silent after the hashtag is done trending on twitter? Don’t lose focus. I am not asking you to take on my mindset of thinking about this all the time to the point that my husband has to ask me to cool it down a notch. Not everyone is a doctor. Not everyone studies dialogues on inequity for over a decade. But just like a doctor can give you advice to not stop washing your hands after covid-19, I feel like I can advise you to keep talking about race like it’s life or death.

I don’t plan to hold back any comments on race in my new neighborhood. It’s not my job to make people comfortable. It’s my job to be an activist.Keeping the conversation alive at all times is my activism. I have dedicated my life to understanding and reckoning with conflict.

So, for someone who thinks about race all the time, my biggest fear is that this is another trend. And we will forget too soon.