Creating Yourself vs Finding Yourself

One will lead to abundance and opportunities and one will lead you to question yourself indefinitely.

I was a freshman in college and a good friend gave me a journal as a birthday present. On the cover the written words stared at me. I stared back cluelessly. The cover said, “Life isn’t about finding yourself; it’s about creating yourself”. I had no idea what that meant. The notion of creating myself seemed really impossible. Don’t I have to find myself in order to create myself? How can I create myself if I don’t know who I am? I was on a mission to find myself. Most things I did felt meaningless because I believed I had discover what was meaningful in life. I was certain I hadn’t found the meaning of life. (I really hadn’t)

I don’t think I was alone on this mission as I look back on my college years. Most of my peers were searching for something. Life seemed liked a big mystery to solve.

I am no longer solving that mystery. A decade and two kids later, I am on a mission to create myself. And I am creating myself without having “found” myself. My story unfolds not as a mystery but as opportunities.

Let me share a couple examples.

Into motherhood

My daughter was one year old and she created a mother in me. There is no way I would have “found” the mother in me. I didn’t even know I wanted kids. (I am pretty sure I didn’t want kids)

The first time I held her tiny little 3 lb body in my arms and heard her little monkey squeal, I knew that whoever I had just become could never go back to who I was the day before. My daughter boarded me on to the mothership and expanded my ability to love, fear, care for, and fight for. Most importantly, my courage doubled. I had become someone who wasn’t afraid of anything and afraid of everything at the same time. The capacity to feel every emotion expanded beyond belief. This was the first time I hadn’t thought about finding out who I was or searching for myself. To be honest, I didn’t have the time to think about questions that didn’t have answers. If I couldn’t google it, I wasn’t asking it. I also didn’t have the time or energy to think about anything besides the present moment staring at me.

A year went by and I had lived each day fully in the moment and not in the future. It was a different way of living. I was living each day not questioning life but focused on creating the memories of her first year.

And after a year of motherhood, I reckoned with a question I had not asked myself before. Who do I want to be in addition to being a mom? Who else can I be? What can I add to the essence of myself that would bring me closer to being me? I felt the world open up to me in abundance rather than in limitation. When I was searching for myself, I was limited to answers. When I thought about creating and adding to who I was, I was surrounded by choices and questions. The following is what I did next…

I created a runner in me

When my daughter turned one, I was ready to further create myself. I knew I needed something beyond being a mother to ground me. I’ll go ahead and speak for all mothers and say that the first year of motherhood might be the most difficult 12 months. (I have a gut feeling mothers have an idea of what I am talking about) While there is joy, many first milestones, cute little feet and giggles, there is also an open door that leads you to forgetting who you were before you became a mom. While I didn’t want to be exactly who I was before I became a mom, I still wanted to have an identity in addition to being a mom. Something that was just for me. Something that wasn’t about being a mother or a wife.

My husband’s company sponsored March of Dimes and there was a 5k in our city to support the organization. Runners inspired me but I was not a runner. I could not run for 30 seconds. I used to work out a lot in high school and college but I was taking spin classes, yoga, and kick boxing. I actually hated running. The second day of my freshman year in college, my roommate asked me if I wanted to go for a run with her and some friends. I was so slow and I wanted to stop. I couldn’t keep up even though I was pretty fit. My legs got tired and I got bored. So I never tried to run again.

The new me as a mother was a different me. The first year of parenthood showed me that even with fear, action is possible. So, I signed up for the 5k with my husband and I had a month to train. The first day I tried to run was a failure. I came home in two minutes. I blamed the shorts I was wearing and the pain around my c-section scar. But I really wanted to know what it was like to finish a 5k. So the next day, I got sculpted running pants and I tried again. This time, I told myself I wasn’t allowed to give up and had to run or walk for 20 minutes. I walked more than I ran but I did it! Everyday I went out for 20 minutes and over the course of two weeks, I was starting to run as much as I walked. By the end of the month, I had trained to be running or walking for 20 minutes and I knew the 5k was going to be longer. The remainder of the race would have to be done with my heart.

The day of the race came. Standing within the sea of runners at the start line was thrilling. I loved the anticipation and it was the first time that I wanted to be in a crowd. So many times we are trying to stand out and be different but at the start line of the 5k, it didn’t matter if I stood out to others. I stood out to myself.

The race started and I crossed the start line with my husband. I just soaked the energy in. There were families running together, there were kids, there were racers in wheelchairs or parents pushing strollers, and then there was me. I just belonged in this sea of runners and never more had I wanted to swim with the current rather than against it. I felt alive and excited.

Twenty minutes passed and I realized that I had never run or walked more than 20 minutes during my training. But twenty minutes passed and I was still running. Ten minutes later, I crossed the finish line. And in that moment, I realized I wanted the thrill of a race day again. When I crossed the finish line, I told my husband I was going to run the Philadelphia Half Marathon in the upcoming fall. To this day, I am not certain he believed me. (To be honest, I am not sure I believed myself.)

And six months later, I crossed the finish line of the Philadelphia Half Marathon. I continued to run and set new running goals and since then, I have ran multiple half marathons, one full marathon, and lots of local 5ks and 10ks. I was not a runner. I created a runner in me. What made me a runner was that I continued to run. And I’m still a runner.

Working on the next creation

So I have been a runner for six years now and I have given all my extra time and energy to running and meeting new goals. Something started to itch inside my soul again and it was the same itch I felt when my daughter turned one six years ago. I am runner because I run everyday. Nothing can change that for me besides losing the ability to actually run. (I am privileged that I write from an able-bodied perspective) Running is a part of my DNA now. If I miss a run, it significantly impacts my mood.

And, I feel like there is more left to create. I am more than my race times, my pace, my medals, and my race shirts. I want to be more than that for myself. So, here I am, living through a a personal moment of transformation.

What will I create next? I am working on creating the writer in me that I have always wanted to be. I have realized that until the stories that I carry with me are told and expressed, I won’t be able to make space for something new. I need to write. I need to make time for writing just like I make time to go on a run everyday. I need to make it a part of my DNA and the only way to do is to actually do it. Running makes me a runner. Writing will create a writer in me. And here I am, working on adding to myself rather than finding myself.

So what am I trying to convey?

Once you start to let go of finding who you are meant to be, you can start to live life as if there is a masterpiece to create. Masterpieces are not found. They are created on a blank slate. Where there is nothing, eventually there is a story. Where there is blankness, eventually there is abundance.

If I am speaking (writing) to the right audience because you have made it this far into my story, you might be asking, “How do I know what I am supposed to create?”

These are some guiding questions that I wrestle with when I want to create something more within me:

When I am passing out of this world, what do I want to make sure I can look back on? This seems like a big question and I have a sense that you know that there is at least one thing you know you want to do in your lived experience. Most often, fear keeps us from doing the thing that we deeply want to add to our masterpiece. For me, that’s writing. I was 8 years old when I started to write poetry and short stories. I have not been a consistent writer because too often I am afraid that people will read what I write. What an absurd fear! Because I want to write for others to read. My actual fear is that I will be misunderstood and I have this terrible desire to be liked. As I work on being a consistent writer, I am going to get in my own way. I will have to go through my twisted mind and emotions to be consistent. It is going to be hard work.

If I knew if I couldn’t fail, what would I do? (You want to follow this path) This question guides me when I am more focused on failing rather than doing. This question also lets me to breathe into the process of starting something new and not expecting immediate results. If I tell myself that I cannot fail, the fog of fear clears up, and I am able to step forward enjoying the view of the journey ahead. Do as if you won’t fail. Create your masterpiece as if whatever you do belongs in the design.

What kind of people do I look up to? Who inspires me? How can I be someone that could inspire someone else? To be simple, you become who you look up to. And then you become someone that others look up to. This cycle of inspiration continues to motivate me to be a better version of myself. You must believe that you are someone who is capable of inspiring others. And when you believe this, you start to create that version of yourself that is inspiring.

What is out of my uncomfortable zone? This is where growth happens. When I start to recognize what is holding me back, I usually discover that being comfortable is my biggest obstacle. The next step to any transformation requires discomfort. Imagine a chemical reaction. Elements before a reaction are stable and comfortable in their current states. When you mix them to make something new, it’s called a reaction because it is disruptive. Something new cannot be created in comfort. We have to go through discomfort over and over to keep transforming and adding to our masterpieces. Right now, my discomfort is writing for at least 30 minutes a day. I have two kids, a full time job, and I run daily. So I have to get out of my comfort zone theses days to make writing possible. If I stay the way I am, there is no space for creating time or energy to write. That’s why we call it “growing pains”. Growth is never easy or comfortable. Learning to lean into discomfort will allow you to step into who you want to create within yourself.

So how do you want to experience your living days? You can be in search for yourself without the promise of finding answers. You can start to create yourself step by step. Either way, months and years will pass by.